100 Questions to Ask Your Long Distance Partner (That Aren't "How Was Your Day?")

Here's the thing about long distance relationships: talking isn't part of the relationship — for long stretches, it basically is the relationship. Which means the quality of your conversations is the quality of your connection.

And yet most of us are out here running the same three questions on a loop: How was your day? What did you eat? You tired?

We interviewed dozens of long distance couples while writing The #LDR Activity Book, and one theme came up over and over: the couples who thrived were the ones who kept discovering each other from afar. So here are 100 questions to help you do exactly that. Don't binge them — pull out three or four on a call and see where they take you.

Warm-ups (start here)

1. What was the best 10 minutes of your week?
2. What made you laugh recently that you forgot to tell me?
3. What's the first thing you'd want to do together if I teleported to you right now?
4. What song have you had on repeat this week?
5. What's something small I do that you'd miss if I stopped?
6. If we had tonight together in your city, what would we do?
7. What did you almost text me this week but didn't?
8. What's your current comfort show/food/hoodie situation?
9. Who in your life am I most overdue to hear a story about?
10. What are you looking forward to right now, big or small?

How we're really doing

11. When did you feel closest to me this month?
12. When did you feel furthest from me — and what was happening?
13. What's one thing I could do on calls that would make you feel more loved?
14. Is there a time of day the distance hits you hardest?
15. What do you wish we did more of, besides seeing each other?
16. What's something you've been holding back from telling me?
17. Do you feel like you get enough of my attention — or too much of my scheduling?
18. What was your favourite date we've ever had, in person or virtual?
19. What do we do better than any couple you know?
20. If our relationship had a battery level right now, what % is it at — and what charges it?

The deep end

21. What are you most afraid to lose?
22. What does "home" mean to you — a place, a person, a feeling?
23. What's a belief you've changed your mind about since we met?
24. What part of yourself are you still learning to like?
25. When was the last time you cried, and what was it about?
26. What do you need when you're sad: solutions, silence, or snacks?
27. What's a memory you return to when things are hard?
28. What would 15-year-old you think of your life right now?
29. What's something you've never said out loud to anyone?
30. What are you proudest of that no one ever asks you about?

Us, the origin story

31. When did you know you liked me — the actual moment?
32. What did you think after our first call ended?
33. What almost stopped you from pursuing this?
34. What's your favourite photo of us and why that one?
35. What detail about the day we met do you remember that I probably don't?
36. What was the first thing you told your friends about me?
37. When did the distance first feel real to you?
38. What's the hardest goodbye we've had so far?
39. What's an inside joke of ours you never want to retire?
40. If you could relive one day of us so far, which one?

The future (the reason we're doing this)

41. What does closing the distance look like in your head — city, place, timeline?
42. What scares you about actually living in the same place?
43. What's the first boring domestic thing you want to do together — groceries, laundry, IKEA?
44. What would our ideal Sunday look like?
45. Where do you want to travel together first?
46. What kind of traditions do you want us to have?
47. How will we handle it when we annoy each other daily instead of digitally?
48. What does your dream version of your life look like in 5 years — and where am I in it?
49. What's one thing we should do before closing the distance?
50. If we wrote a letter to open on the day the distance ends, what would you put in it?

Values and the big stuff

51. What does loyalty mean to you, specifically?
52. What's a dealbreaker you've never actually said out loud?
53. How do you want us to handle fights we can't finish in one call?
54. What role does money play in your idea of a good life?
55. What did your parents' relationship teach you — good or bad?
56. What does a "successful relationship" mean to you, distance aside?
57. How do you want to be loved when you're at your worst?
58. What's something you'd want us to never joke about?
59. What are you non-negotiable about in how we treat each other?
60. What do you think couples owe each other honesty about, even when it hurts?

Silly (but secretly revealing)

61. What's your most irrational fear?
62. What would you do with 24 hours of total invisibility?
63. What food could you defend in court as a personality trait?
64. What's the weirdest thing you do when no one's watching?
65. If we were a band, what would we be called?
66. What's your hill-to-die-on kitchen opinion?
67. Which fictional couple are we most like?
68. What's the pettiest thing you've ever done?
69. If your love had a smell, what would it be? (Yes, answer it.)
70. What conspiracy theory do you almost believe?

Desire and romance 🔥

71. What do you find attractive about me that you've never mentioned?
72. What's a moment I had no idea you were checking me out?
73. What's your favourite way I say I love you without saying it?
74. What are you shy to ask for?
75. What's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for you — do I need to beat it?
76. What does flirting look like for us at our best?
77. Which of my photos lives rent-free in your head?
78. What would your perfect first night of our next visit look like?
79. What's something new you'd want to try together?
80. What makes you feel wanted from far away?

(Want a whole guided chapter of this? Our bonus chapter Sex From A Distance was written with a registered sexologist — US$3.99, instant download.)

Hard mode (for when you're ready)

81. What's the closest we've come to breaking up in your mind?
82. What do you pretend doesn't bother you about the distance?
83. What's a sacrifice you've made for us that I may not have noticed?
84. Is there anything you're jealous of in my life over here?
85. What do you do with loneliness when I'm not available?
86. What's a way I've hurt you that we never fully talked through?
87. What are you afraid I'll figure out about you after we close the distance?
88. What would you want us to do if one of us got an incredible opportunity somewhere else?
89. What question do you wish I'd ask you?
90. What would you never forgive — and have I ever come close?

Gratitude (end every call here)

91. What's one thing I did this week that made you feel loved?
92. What's your favourite thing about how we communicate?
93. What strength have you gained because of the distance?
94. What do you appreciate about my family or friends?
95. What's a way you've grown since we've been together?
96. What's the best advice about us anyone's given you?
97. What are you grateful the distance has taught you?
98. What's one thing about the two of us you hope never changes?
99. What made you smile today before this call?
100. Why me?

Make it a habit, not a marathon

Please don't try all 100 in one night — the goal isn't an interrogation, it's a practice. Three good questions a week beats a hundred in one sitting.

If you want this baked into your relationship with structure — personality tests, quizzes about each other, and yes, a sexy crossword puzzle — that's exactly what The #LDR Activity Book is: 8 chapters of guided activities you complete together from anywhere. The digital version is US$12.99 and you could be doing chapter one tonight.

♥️ Sam and Jared

Co Authors, The #LDR Activity Book